RANT. Or, I remain baffled by the Dance
I am married. Did that **********, foolishly, blah blah blah, 20 years ago. I'm not ranting about THAT; I made my bed, so to speak, and until I'm ready to face the BIG questions, i will continue to lie in it.
I am also a natural submissive. If you don't believe me read my bio and check out my BDSM test scores. I don't know WHY that is, it just always has been. Like forever. It was also a fact that I ignored for the first 19+ years of my marriage, at least insofar as it related to ever actually doing anything about it.
THEN, I found xhamster. Still didn't do anything about it, other than get off to "my" kind of porn. THEN somehow I started a little playing with Doms online. Again, nothing I'd ever anticipated doing, and still certainly nothing that I in any way related to Real Life. But it was fun.
THEN, I met one Dom in particular, who eventually became my official "online Dom", whatever that was supposed to mean, and I was off to the proverbial races. Much as it was never going to actually be real - 6000km apart, we were both married, 12 yr age gap, and in hindsight not sure there wasn't a little sociopathic behaviour, etc etc etc - it was different. It sort of crept into the Real World: emailing, little tasks, little punishments, eventually photo exchanges, sound file exchanges, "finding" each other in real life (i.e. the identity barrier was crossed).
I was completely submersed in the experience - like to the point that I have no idea where much of 2014 went. Intense to say the least, and I think much more so because I believe that time flows differently online (no, not scientifically...I'm a pretty smart cookie), that when you remove all the distractions that come from tone, facial expressions, environment, inflection and all the other elements that can detract from focus, you end up getting through WAY more content in a far shorter time. AND it was empowering...I have never felt so alive, so sexy or so at peace with my nature. I know it sounds hokey but this is truth: it was transformational.
Without rehashing the gory details, it ended VERY badly about 6 months later. Not only did I feel like an idiot for how deeply I'm allowed myself to sink into the fantasy, and for how much I'd opened myself up to it, but also for how much it hurt me. The thing about not having done anything like this for TWENTY years, not having any kind of "Meaningful" interaction outside of the marriage, turned out to be that you forget what being hurt feels like. And friends i tell you what - it was a motherfucker.
Even though it was very rough, I have come to the conclusion that there were a lot more positives than negatives to it, and I am grateful that it happened despite the residual scars and burn-marks.
One of the very positive outcomes was that as I was trying to figure out WTF a "D/s relationship" was supposed to be, several very wise friends on here told me to look locally, to see if there were resources that might help me to learn and understand. So I started searching some for local info, and it seemed there were lots, but it all lived on fetlife. So off I went to fetlife, creating a profile and starting to peek at some of these groups and events. Almost immediately, the unexpected (yes also true - I clearly wasn't thinking about it) happened and I was contacted by a couple of Doms. Anyway there were a lot of messages exchanged, soon one stood out as being pleasant to chat with, and the talk eventually turned to meeting for real. Again this was very powerful - it certainly wasn't love or adoration or anything nearly so intoxicating as the online experience had been, but it felt right. Like my true nature had been awoken and it was NOT going back to sleep, and this was the next step.
So eventually, after a couple of months online - which is like a half-year in Real World time - we met. It was nice, and we met a couple more times before starting to play. That was VERY nice, but that's not what I'm talking about either (if you want to know how nice see my birthday blog). It was underway when the online thing exploded, so I was learning some HARD "21st century life lessons" while I was learning some very different things about my submissive side in Real Life.
And the 21st century life lessons - as I've come to think of them - certainly made me a little more wary, and a little less trusting, and once the sparkly glimmer of having "gone live" had dimmed a little, made me turn more of a critical eye to what was I getting from the experience. Again, it was nice, and fun and a great learning experience, but when I really started to look at it, what my partner had represented as his availability turned out to have been greatly exaggerated in Reality (I believe this was enthusiasm not malice), and most of the time we did find together was pretty one-sided, and not in my favour. So, at the end of 2014 I started asking some necessary questions as regarded our schedules, and we very amicably acknowledged that it wasn't going to get better, so we agreed to de-formalize our D/s relationship.
So it was Christmas - yes, just two months ago. And there I was, faced again with the prospect of trying to put my submissive side back in the closet, or deciding to continue this incredible journey. There really was no question - it was going forward. So I took a little time to gather my thoughts, and to think about where I was and where I came from. Essentially I was talking myself into actively trying to meet like-minded people online for the purposes of, well, fucking. Obviously it's a lot more than that, but I wasn't going halfway here either.
So I looked at where I was and where I came from. I am 44 years old. The last time I had actively sought out any kind of partner, THERE WAS NO INTERNET, and even if there had been, I was so young when I hooked up with hubby that I really didn't have a lot of practice anyway. Hell, STD's hadn't even been a "thing" for very long. The rules were very different, it seemed, and were overlaid with all this necessary caution...the obvious 'stranger danger', but beyond that the notion that anything you post will never go away. All of a sudden this notion of online communication that I'd enjoyed so much became a little more dire; how did I really know what to believe? (YES I might have thought of this earlier...hence the issue with the Real Life schedules)
So I set a few rules for myself: 1)condoms, always. 2) identity exchange i.e. no fucking on a first name basis. 3) a "long" getting-to-know-each-other period online. This last one was completely subjective of course. The rest I figured would be dependent on the individual situation, but that i would be very clear as to what i was looking for.
Being a submissive female (or any female) meant I didn't have to do a lot of searching...there were a few messages coming in as soon as I changed my D/s relationship status on fetlife. And once again I found myself smitten...spent most of Christmas week chatting online 24/7 with a Dom, exchanged a lot of life-type info, met for coffee, continued to hit it off and ended up playing on the morning of new Year's eve day. It was literally 2 days later when I realized I had forgotten the identity thing...didn't know his last name. FUCK! This was going to take a little more concentration. It was extremely friendly and hot, and a helluva way to end the first year of my Great Sexual Renaissance, but I was a little freaked out by my misstep about the name thing. OK, a lot.
So I started REALLY thinking about what I was looking for and what I had to be careful about (beyond the identity thing, obviously):
- Someone with significantly more experience than I have
- someone who is not single, or at least not looking for a life partner - when I make the marriage decisions it is going to be about me, NOT to just fall into someone else's arms
- someone very intelligent...my new fave term is sapiosexuality
- someone who can tell me specifically what they are looking for in a D/s relationship
- someone whose schedule works ok with mine AND who is close enough geographically that the traveling won't get to be too much effort
- ideally someone with some ability to host - I'm done with so-called play in vehicles during quick lunchtime meet-ups, and I'm not a big fan of relying on hotels
- someone who agrees to the identity and condom rules
- and obviously some sort of actual attraction
...and I put this - perhaps in not quite so delineated a fashion - on my fet profile.
(YIKES I've written a lot, and we're still not at the rant...it's coming)
Keeping in mind that 2 months online feels (at least to me) like significantly longer in the real world, I have had some interesting experiences lately:
- there was the slightly older guy who couldn't quite work his email but still managed to send about 7 for each one of mine...it was CREEPY. When I said no thanks he didn't understand at all why the gazillion emails might have felt a little overwhelming
- then there was the self-styled "old fashioned Dom" who was married, but had an "obedient wife" who didn't get in the way, who wanted a commitment after a day of chatting and was highly offended when I said I'd been chatting with other Doms as well. Boy did that feel wrong.
- then there was the one I actually met for a coffee - I wasn't super-excited but it was worth a go, and I have also decided I need to get over the jitters I get about first meetings (admittedly it was only the 3rd meet I have had since 1993... but the expense of psychic energy is exhausting). Anyway this one turned out to be a LOW TALKER...I don't have great hearing and despite numerous requests to speak up he wouldn't; I felt like I was splayed across the table just to be able to hear him. Oh yeah, then there was the fact that he would ask me a question about myself and interrupt me 15 seconds into my answer. Oh yeah, and then there was the fact that he kept asking me how wet I was, on a scale from 1 to 10. Tell ya what buddy, not being able to hear you keeps me pretty fucking dry. (ok now I'm getting to the ranting...but not quite)
- then there was the absolutely lovely fellow with the very enticing playroom, who lived over 2 hours away...this was sad but I did add the geography thing to the list
- then there was the BBC Dom (yes friends, I was walking into uncharted waters with this one) who seemed knowledgeable but insisted that he would only communicate via phone. Nope.
- and about a half-dozen who clearly had no experience whatsoever but liked the idea. Guess what boys? When someone says they're looking for a teacher that is what they want...not someone to fumble through the fugue with.
- and the fairly positive chatter with a reasonably local Dom who seemed interesting/interested, who got a fucking promotion at work and went from available to insanely busy overnight (YES I considered that this might be a lie but the details were just too full). Anyway he seemed nice so this wasn't the optimal outcome.
- and then what seemed like fairly positive chatter with a reasonably attractive, experienced, well hung (I know it shouldn't matter...) Dom...who literally DISAPPEARED after we got into a body-type discussion. Hey I get it, physical attraction is important, but two things: 1) big cock notwithstanding, this guy was not George Clooney and 2) JUST BE FUCKING POLITE. I hate - like more than anything - the ability of people to disappear online. Ooh...maybe this is where the rant starts...almost...
- (edited) And most recently, possibly my new favourite - the Dom who told me how he'd been afraid that he would kill or put one of his previous subs in the hospital...but WOULDN'T GIVE UP HIS LAST NAME.
And now the rant...
Friends, as I think you can tell, I have racked up some considerable life experience here, in a fairly short amount of (Real World) time. I have done this Dance more times than I would have thought possible in a two month period. I decided almost immediately to be extremely honest about myself...who I am at all levels (life limitations, physicality, emotional stuff, the psychology of my Great Sexual Renaissance and the metamorphosis I am undergoing)...at a very early point in the chatter; after all if I am going to send someone running for the hills it really should be sooner than later. So I have a short version of the "me story" that I start with, and then a longer version if they are still interested. I'm trying to not waste anyone's time.
Throughout this adventure, I have become very adept at weeding out the crazies, the ones who don't meet my criteria, and especially the wolves in sheep's clothing...you know, the insincere ones - OR SO I THOUGHT. Here's the rant...despite all this caution, despite the amount of experience that I thought I'd racked up, I got BITTEN this week, not once but twice.
First we have the being I began to call Mr. Dreamy. Very attractive, local, very well endowed. Told me at the outset - couple months ago - that he was self-employed and had at least a couple of days a week where he worked from home and could host. Told me about some experiences with past subs, about friends that he sometimes pulls into play scenes...all of it enticing and positive. We exchanged pics and were still both interested. Boy did i want this one. But I was staying true to my rules. The first time we were supposed to meet for coffee was several weeks ago. I expended TONS of psychic energy getting ready for it, showed up...and nothing. He never showed. I was pretty pissed, but the next day he said he'd been hurt in a work accident. I expressed my anger, he apologized and said all the right things. So we set it up again. And again he had to cancel. And then again. And possibly once again, although I honestly lost track. Yesterday morning was supposed to be it, he had booked off the time blah blah blah and it was definitely going to happen. We agreed to time and place, I set about getting ready...and then the email came. His front door wouldn't lock, so he was waiting for the locksmith and couldn't leave, and he hoped he'd caught me in time. HAH - I responded that I hadn't planned on leaving to the very last minute, preferring the comfort of my home to wait and see what calamity befell this attempt to meet. I also said that I thought we should just take this 5th try as the final sign it wasn't meant to be.
Yes, I know. I should have known better. I figure I took weeks off my life with the stress of getting ready for these various almost-meets, just to be thwarted again and again. I know...where did all the hard-learned caution go? Apparently right out the fucking window. And know what? This wasn't even the worst of it!
About 3 weeks ago I was contacted by another Dom. This one hit every single list item. Extremely experienced, a great brain, a cock that sounded like my dream come true (sorry...), divorced and living alone but not looking for a life partner, everything. AND he had a dungeon (keeping in mind my proclivities this is a big and uncommon deal). The one downside - he lived about an hour away...but this could have been managed. He liked my stories, both the short and long. We exchanged face pics, everything was great. I sent a few more pics, which he liked as well. He didn't send further pics however. We chatted on and off many days, sometimes with a day or two of silence. The thing was - every single kink matched. Every single one of my fantasies, he picked up and ran with. Without going into the details, I was starting to think this was a match made in fetish heaven. It almost seemed too good to be true. The fact that he was reticent about providing more pics or answering a lot of questions was of course a concern, but he was definitely doing some things deliberately...so I decided to believe that the lack of openness was part of his "plan". HOLY CRAP was I getting into this. Well friends, here's the punch line...we spent all morning chatting last Friday (a week ago today), and then guess what? HE VANISHED! Remember how I said there is nothing that bugs me more???
So apparently the tiny little voice telling ME to run for the hills - present but so very quiet in both of these cases, nothing but the softest peep - is what I was missing in the learnings so far. I have a great list of do's and don'ts, and would have told you I was getting to the point where I could spot a crazy a mile away. The Dance, the back and forth that I thought I'd figured out, apparently has many more layers. Or at the very least the layers it does have, continue to baffle me. At least when I'm not necessarily thinking with my head...
I guess this wasn't so much a rant as it was a diarizing of the seemingly endless string of characters I have encountered on this leg of my journey. I'm starting to think that if you removed the x-rated and arguably immoral elements it might just make a pretty decent sitcom.
As always, thanks for listening.
PS I would not want to suggest that there haven't been several x-ham generated encounters as well, but as my goal here is not to hurt anyone's feelings, I figured I'd stick to external stories. Needless to say, this blog will not be showing up on my fetlife profile. xo
UPDATE May 2015
So it's been a couple of months since I last wrote about the Dance, or honestly even thought about this blog. Several things have happened so I thought it might be time for an update.
Those of you who read the original post may recall that there initially was a bullet about a Dom who contacted me and was the Dom of a sub I know; it seemed he was looking to cheat on her. Well, it turned out that they were over. We met, hit it off amazingly, and have been together ever since. Thing was, I ended up throwing most of my few rules out the window...about 2 hrs into our first coffee I was ready to fuck (didn't but was ready to), about a week later I did fuck without knowing his last name (remedied shortly thereafter), and...I went bareback. This last happened without any forethought, but was definitely my doing. So we have ended up agreeing to be exclusive while we figure out what we are to each other.
This has been a strange one: he is single, and it has become way more of an affair than I had ever wanted or anticipated. We've spent about 20hrs playing, and about 50hrs having coffee. In many ways it's perfect, except for the fact that i'm concerned that I am far more sub than he is Dom. He does dominate me, and it is wonderful, but we spend as much time making out and just screwing as we do the hard stuff. Not sure where it's going to go, but i'm definitely having a great time finding out.
I think the thing that really prompted me to write again was something else. Last week I was contacted - out of the blue - by Mr Dungeon. He had written about 6 weeks ago apologizing for disappearing, claiming than a friend of his had almost died from food poisoning and that he (Dungeon) had stayed with him during all his care. I didn't entirely believe it but let it go.
When he contacted me again last week, the spark was instant and strong. We started flirting and all was fun until I called him out on a lie. He apologized, promised to only tell the truth and said I should ask anything I wanted to ask. So I did...was the dungeon real, was the experience real, was the huge cock real? Never heard the answers, because the next time I was on, I realized that he had some "slave" also on fet, so I said goodbye for good. Door firmly closed. Fuck.
Speaking of slaves - here is the REAL crazy one. Remember the first-ever Dom, the online relationship that completely changed my life? Well, he disappeared from xham a couple of months ago. No big deal. BUT - I was tooling around on another site this week and found his profile. Which said that he was CURRENTLY IN SLAVE TRAINING with some Domme. Jesus fucking Christ. Well friends, there was another door that slammed shut for good. Sadly, it also meant reframing a lot of memories and killed a lot of lingering fantasies. Firmly and completely shut. Firmly and completely. Yikes what a surprise.
So there's my update, friends. My cast of characters continues to be fascinating. Never dull over here, that's for sure :)
UPDATE October 2015
Holy hannah...where does the time go? Feels like time for another update, which may explain a few of my more cryptic posts of late.
So the "relationship" with the single guy ended in June, no major drama or anything. More just fizzled out. There was no question that he wasn't really a Dom, not the Dom I need, at least. So i wish him all the very best.
The summer brought some interesting interactions, mostly all online as there didn't seem to be much that warranted a move into the real world. No, that's not quite true. There was one - extremely experienced, with a ton of toys and equipment, also married and looking for discretion. It seemed pretty close to 'too good to be true' again, but he had some out of town issues pop up and had to remove himself from the communication stream before I could find out. More on this later.
At a point, not sure why, but I did something unexpected - i set up an account on collarspace. The best way i can describe it is a lowbrow version of xhamster and fetlife combined. Every single time i logged on, i had messages within seconds from any number of creeps. So i didn't last too long on there, but did manage to find a few seemingly normal new friends to chat with.
One - a self-identified firefighter - seemed to be a great match and we spent about 3 weeks in intense discussions. Thing was, he turned out to be another 'disappearing Dom'...this happened directly after we'd made a date for coffee. If anyone can explain the allure of being this kind of online troll, please share. I just don't get it. In any case, another example of live and learn, i suppose.
The other was a somewhat older professional, old enough that when he gave me an email address that allowed me to easily identify him IRL, i thought it must have been by mistake. We chatted for some time, but it was strange...the more interested i got, the more arrogant he got. So that became old pretty quickly. And done.
Between these two less than perfect experiences and the feeling of being ******d every time i signed on, I rid myself of the collarspace account PDQ.
I also did something i hadn't anticipated: i met a vanilla friend for coffee and a little play. This was someone i met on fet, but without any of the kinks i am attracted to. I'd always thought that vanilla was my hard limit - just didn't feel right as it wasn't about fulfilling any lifelong needs, if that makes any sense - but as it turns out, there may just be a place for it. Sadly we never did get together - another new learning is that even within the vanilla world i simply cannot abide feeling like the aggressor - and fell out of touch. Very recently - mainly thanks to some wine i was drinking one night while tooling around online - we're back in touch, so who knows where this will go.
The final adventure came from fet, and happened a few weeks ago. This is the first experience where i can say for sure that i let myself get in over my head. It was a poly Dom with a mono sub (yes, this should have been enough to warn me away). There was great conversation and strong attraction, so we played. As it turns out, his relative inexperience - about a year - came through, and he pushed some boundaries. My relative inexperience didn't cotton on to this being a problem...until afterwards when things got a little chilly. The drama that unfolded over the next week was extreme to say the least, and i was quite happy to walk away from it. The learnings were manifold - mostly about the need for firm negotiations before any scene, and about the need to walk before running. Still no regrets, but I'll admit this one was getting close to the line.
Happily i can end on a more positive note. A nice surprise was that at the end of the summer, my friend with all the experience and all the toys resurfaced, back after dealing with the issues that took him away. As of very recently, we've had a very nice coffee. So we'll see.
So i think i`ll have to admit that this has turned into more of an exercise in journalling than a rant. At the very least, i hope that the things i`ve learned will be useful to friends. Whether playing in the D/s world or any other, i think much of it will apply. Be safe and have fun, friends. xo
I am also a natural submissive. If you don't believe me read my bio and check out my BDSM test scores. I don't know WHY that is, it just always has been. Like forever. It was also a fact that I ignored for the first 19+ years of my marriage, at least insofar as it related to ever actually doing anything about it.
THEN, I found xhamster. Still didn't do anything about it, other than get off to "my" kind of porn. THEN somehow I started a little playing with Doms online. Again, nothing I'd ever anticipated doing, and still certainly nothing that I in any way related to Real Life. But it was fun.
THEN, I met one Dom in particular, who eventually became my official "online Dom", whatever that was supposed to mean, and I was off to the proverbial races. Much as it was never going to actually be real - 6000km apart, we were both married, 12 yr age gap, and in hindsight not sure there wasn't a little sociopathic behaviour, etc etc etc - it was different. It sort of crept into the Real World: emailing, little tasks, little punishments, eventually photo exchanges, sound file exchanges, "finding" each other in real life (i.e. the identity barrier was crossed).
I was completely submersed in the experience - like to the point that I have no idea where much of 2014 went. Intense to say the least, and I think much more so because I believe that time flows differently online (no, not scientifically...I'm a pretty smart cookie), that when you remove all the distractions that come from tone, facial expressions, environment, inflection and all the other elements that can detract from focus, you end up getting through WAY more content in a far shorter time. AND it was empowering...I have never felt so alive, so sexy or so at peace with my nature. I know it sounds hokey but this is truth: it was transformational.
Without rehashing the gory details, it ended VERY badly about 6 months later. Not only did I feel like an idiot for how deeply I'm allowed myself to sink into the fantasy, and for how much I'd opened myself up to it, but also for how much it hurt me. The thing about not having done anything like this for TWENTY years, not having any kind of "Meaningful" interaction outside of the marriage, turned out to be that you forget what being hurt feels like. And friends i tell you what - it was a motherfucker.
Even though it was very rough, I have come to the conclusion that there were a lot more positives than negatives to it, and I am grateful that it happened despite the residual scars and burn-marks.
One of the very positive outcomes was that as I was trying to figure out WTF a "D/s relationship" was supposed to be, several very wise friends on here told me to look locally, to see if there were resources that might help me to learn and understand. So I started searching some for local info, and it seemed there were lots, but it all lived on fetlife. So off I went to fetlife, creating a profile and starting to peek at some of these groups and events. Almost immediately, the unexpected (yes also true - I clearly wasn't thinking about it) happened and I was contacted by a couple of Doms. Anyway there were a lot of messages exchanged, soon one stood out as being pleasant to chat with, and the talk eventually turned to meeting for real. Again this was very powerful - it certainly wasn't love or adoration or anything nearly so intoxicating as the online experience had been, but it felt right. Like my true nature had been awoken and it was NOT going back to sleep, and this was the next step.
So eventually, after a couple of months online - which is like a half-year in Real World time - we met. It was nice, and we met a couple more times before starting to play. That was VERY nice, but that's not what I'm talking about either (if you want to know how nice see my birthday blog). It was underway when the online thing exploded, so I was learning some HARD "21st century life lessons" while I was learning some very different things about my submissive side in Real Life.
And the 21st century life lessons - as I've come to think of them - certainly made me a little more wary, and a little less trusting, and once the sparkly glimmer of having "gone live" had dimmed a little, made me turn more of a critical eye to what was I getting from the experience. Again, it was nice, and fun and a great learning experience, but when I really started to look at it, what my partner had represented as his availability turned out to have been greatly exaggerated in Reality (I believe this was enthusiasm not malice), and most of the time we did find together was pretty one-sided, and not in my favour. So, at the end of 2014 I started asking some necessary questions as regarded our schedules, and we very amicably acknowledged that it wasn't going to get better, so we agreed to de-formalize our D/s relationship.
So it was Christmas - yes, just two months ago. And there I was, faced again with the prospect of trying to put my submissive side back in the closet, or deciding to continue this incredible journey. There really was no question - it was going forward. So I took a little time to gather my thoughts, and to think about where I was and where I came from. Essentially I was talking myself into actively trying to meet like-minded people online for the purposes of, well, fucking. Obviously it's a lot more than that, but I wasn't going halfway here either.
So I looked at where I was and where I came from. I am 44 years old. The last time I had actively sought out any kind of partner, THERE WAS NO INTERNET, and even if there had been, I was so young when I hooked up with hubby that I really didn't have a lot of practice anyway. Hell, STD's hadn't even been a "thing" for very long. The rules were very different, it seemed, and were overlaid with all this necessary caution...the obvious 'stranger danger', but beyond that the notion that anything you post will never go away. All of a sudden this notion of online communication that I'd enjoyed so much became a little more dire; how did I really know what to believe? (YES I might have thought of this earlier...hence the issue with the Real Life schedules)
So I set a few rules for myself: 1)condoms, always. 2) identity exchange i.e. no fucking on a first name basis. 3) a "long" getting-to-know-each-other period online. This last one was completely subjective of course. The rest I figured would be dependent on the individual situation, but that i would be very clear as to what i was looking for.
Being a submissive female (or any female) meant I didn't have to do a lot of searching...there were a few messages coming in as soon as I changed my D/s relationship status on fetlife. And once again I found myself smitten...spent most of Christmas week chatting online 24/7 with a Dom, exchanged a lot of life-type info, met for coffee, continued to hit it off and ended up playing on the morning of new Year's eve day. It was literally 2 days later when I realized I had forgotten the identity thing...didn't know his last name. FUCK! This was going to take a little more concentration. It was extremely friendly and hot, and a helluva way to end the first year of my Great Sexual Renaissance, but I was a little freaked out by my misstep about the name thing. OK, a lot.
So I started REALLY thinking about what I was looking for and what I had to be careful about (beyond the identity thing, obviously):
- Someone with significantly more experience than I have
- someone who is not single, or at least not looking for a life partner - when I make the marriage decisions it is going to be about me, NOT to just fall into someone else's arms
- someone very intelligent...my new fave term is sapiosexuality
- someone who can tell me specifically what they are looking for in a D/s relationship
- someone whose schedule works ok with mine AND who is close enough geographically that the traveling won't get to be too much effort
- ideally someone with some ability to host - I'm done with so-called play in vehicles during quick lunchtime meet-ups, and I'm not a big fan of relying on hotels
- someone who agrees to the identity and condom rules
- and obviously some sort of actual attraction
...and I put this - perhaps in not quite so delineated a fashion - on my fet profile.
(YIKES I've written a lot, and we're still not at the rant...it's coming)
Keeping in mind that 2 months online feels (at least to me) like significantly longer in the real world, I have had some interesting experiences lately:
- there was the slightly older guy who couldn't quite work his email but still managed to send about 7 for each one of mine...it was CREEPY. When I said no thanks he didn't understand at all why the gazillion emails might have felt a little overwhelming
- then there was the self-styled "old fashioned Dom" who was married, but had an "obedient wife" who didn't get in the way, who wanted a commitment after a day of chatting and was highly offended when I said I'd been chatting with other Doms as well. Boy did that feel wrong.
- then there was the one I actually met for a coffee - I wasn't super-excited but it was worth a go, and I have also decided I need to get over the jitters I get about first meetings (admittedly it was only the 3rd meet I have had since 1993... but the expense of psychic energy is exhausting). Anyway this one turned out to be a LOW TALKER...I don't have great hearing and despite numerous requests to speak up he wouldn't; I felt like I was splayed across the table just to be able to hear him. Oh yeah, then there was the fact that he would ask me a question about myself and interrupt me 15 seconds into my answer. Oh yeah, and then there was the fact that he kept asking me how wet I was, on a scale from 1 to 10. Tell ya what buddy, not being able to hear you keeps me pretty fucking dry. (ok now I'm getting to the ranting...but not quite)
- then there was the absolutely lovely fellow with the very enticing playroom, who lived over 2 hours away...this was sad but I did add the geography thing to the list
- then there was the BBC Dom (yes friends, I was walking into uncharted waters with this one) who seemed knowledgeable but insisted that he would only communicate via phone. Nope.
- and about a half-dozen who clearly had no experience whatsoever but liked the idea. Guess what boys? When someone says they're looking for a teacher that is what they want...not someone to fumble through the fugue with.
- and the fairly positive chatter with a reasonably local Dom who seemed interesting/interested, who got a fucking promotion at work and went from available to insanely busy overnight (YES I considered that this might be a lie but the details were just too full). Anyway he seemed nice so this wasn't the optimal outcome.
- and then what seemed like fairly positive chatter with a reasonably attractive, experienced, well hung (I know it shouldn't matter...) Dom...who literally DISAPPEARED after we got into a body-type discussion. Hey I get it, physical attraction is important, but two things: 1) big cock notwithstanding, this guy was not George Clooney and 2) JUST BE FUCKING POLITE. I hate - like more than anything - the ability of people to disappear online. Ooh...maybe this is where the rant starts...almost...
- (edited) And most recently, possibly my new favourite - the Dom who told me how he'd been afraid that he would kill or put one of his previous subs in the hospital...but WOULDN'T GIVE UP HIS LAST NAME.
And now the rant...
Friends, as I think you can tell, I have racked up some considerable life experience here, in a fairly short amount of (Real World) time. I have done this Dance more times than I would have thought possible in a two month period. I decided almost immediately to be extremely honest about myself...who I am at all levels (life limitations, physicality, emotional stuff, the psychology of my Great Sexual Renaissance and the metamorphosis I am undergoing)...at a very early point in the chatter; after all if I am going to send someone running for the hills it really should be sooner than later. So I have a short version of the "me story" that I start with, and then a longer version if they are still interested. I'm trying to not waste anyone's time.
Throughout this adventure, I have become very adept at weeding out the crazies, the ones who don't meet my criteria, and especially the wolves in sheep's clothing...you know, the insincere ones - OR SO I THOUGHT. Here's the rant...despite all this caution, despite the amount of experience that I thought I'd racked up, I got BITTEN this week, not once but twice.
First we have the being I began to call Mr. Dreamy. Very attractive, local, very well endowed. Told me at the outset - couple months ago - that he was self-employed and had at least a couple of days a week where he worked from home and could host. Told me about some experiences with past subs, about friends that he sometimes pulls into play scenes...all of it enticing and positive. We exchanged pics and were still both interested. Boy did i want this one. But I was staying true to my rules. The first time we were supposed to meet for coffee was several weeks ago. I expended TONS of psychic energy getting ready for it, showed up...and nothing. He never showed. I was pretty pissed, but the next day he said he'd been hurt in a work accident. I expressed my anger, he apologized and said all the right things. So we set it up again. And again he had to cancel. And then again. And possibly once again, although I honestly lost track. Yesterday morning was supposed to be it, he had booked off the time blah blah blah and it was definitely going to happen. We agreed to time and place, I set about getting ready...and then the email came. His front door wouldn't lock, so he was waiting for the locksmith and couldn't leave, and he hoped he'd caught me in time. HAH - I responded that I hadn't planned on leaving to the very last minute, preferring the comfort of my home to wait and see what calamity befell this attempt to meet. I also said that I thought we should just take this 5th try as the final sign it wasn't meant to be.
Yes, I know. I should have known better. I figure I took weeks off my life with the stress of getting ready for these various almost-meets, just to be thwarted again and again. I know...where did all the hard-learned caution go? Apparently right out the fucking window. And know what? This wasn't even the worst of it!
About 3 weeks ago I was contacted by another Dom. This one hit every single list item. Extremely experienced, a great brain, a cock that sounded like my dream come true (sorry...), divorced and living alone but not looking for a life partner, everything. AND he had a dungeon (keeping in mind my proclivities this is a big and uncommon deal). The one downside - he lived about an hour away...but this could have been managed. He liked my stories, both the short and long. We exchanged face pics, everything was great. I sent a few more pics, which he liked as well. He didn't send further pics however. We chatted on and off many days, sometimes with a day or two of silence. The thing was - every single kink matched. Every single one of my fantasies, he picked up and ran with. Without going into the details, I was starting to think this was a match made in fetish heaven. It almost seemed too good to be true. The fact that he was reticent about providing more pics or answering a lot of questions was of course a concern, but he was definitely doing some things deliberately...so I decided to believe that the lack of openness was part of his "plan". HOLY CRAP was I getting into this. Well friends, here's the punch line...we spent all morning chatting last Friday (a week ago today), and then guess what? HE VANISHED! Remember how I said there is nothing that bugs me more???
So apparently the tiny little voice telling ME to run for the hills - present but so very quiet in both of these cases, nothing but the softest peep - is what I was missing in the learnings so far. I have a great list of do's and don'ts, and would have told you I was getting to the point where I could spot a crazy a mile away. The Dance, the back and forth that I thought I'd figured out, apparently has many more layers. Or at the very least the layers it does have, continue to baffle me. At least when I'm not necessarily thinking with my head...
I guess this wasn't so much a rant as it was a diarizing of the seemingly endless string of characters I have encountered on this leg of my journey. I'm starting to think that if you removed the x-rated and arguably immoral elements it might just make a pretty decent sitcom.
As always, thanks for listening.
PS I would not want to suggest that there haven't been several x-ham generated encounters as well, but as my goal here is not to hurt anyone's feelings, I figured I'd stick to external stories. Needless to say, this blog will not be showing up on my fetlife profile. xo
UPDATE May 2015
So it's been a couple of months since I last wrote about the Dance, or honestly even thought about this blog. Several things have happened so I thought it might be time for an update.
Those of you who read the original post may recall that there initially was a bullet about a Dom who contacted me and was the Dom of a sub I know; it seemed he was looking to cheat on her. Well, it turned out that they were over. We met, hit it off amazingly, and have been together ever since. Thing was, I ended up throwing most of my few rules out the window...about 2 hrs into our first coffee I was ready to fuck (didn't but was ready to), about a week later I did fuck without knowing his last name (remedied shortly thereafter), and...I went bareback. This last happened without any forethought, but was definitely my doing. So we have ended up agreeing to be exclusive while we figure out what we are to each other.
This has been a strange one: he is single, and it has become way more of an affair than I had ever wanted or anticipated. We've spent about 20hrs playing, and about 50hrs having coffee. In many ways it's perfect, except for the fact that i'm concerned that I am far more sub than he is Dom. He does dominate me, and it is wonderful, but we spend as much time making out and just screwing as we do the hard stuff. Not sure where it's going to go, but i'm definitely having a great time finding out.
I think the thing that really prompted me to write again was something else. Last week I was contacted - out of the blue - by Mr Dungeon. He had written about 6 weeks ago apologizing for disappearing, claiming than a friend of his had almost died from food poisoning and that he (Dungeon) had stayed with him during all his care. I didn't entirely believe it but let it go.
When he contacted me again last week, the spark was instant and strong. We started flirting and all was fun until I called him out on a lie. He apologized, promised to only tell the truth and said I should ask anything I wanted to ask. So I did...was the dungeon real, was the experience real, was the huge cock real? Never heard the answers, because the next time I was on, I realized that he had some "slave" also on fet, so I said goodbye for good. Door firmly closed. Fuck.
Speaking of slaves - here is the REAL crazy one. Remember the first-ever Dom, the online relationship that completely changed my life? Well, he disappeared from xham a couple of months ago. No big deal. BUT - I was tooling around on another site this week and found his profile. Which said that he was CURRENTLY IN SLAVE TRAINING with some Domme. Jesus fucking Christ. Well friends, there was another door that slammed shut for good. Sadly, it also meant reframing a lot of memories and killed a lot of lingering fantasies. Firmly and completely shut. Firmly and completely. Yikes what a surprise.
So there's my update, friends. My cast of characters continues to be fascinating. Never dull over here, that's for sure :)
UPDATE October 2015
Holy hannah...where does the time go? Feels like time for another update, which may explain a few of my more cryptic posts of late.
So the "relationship" with the single guy ended in June, no major drama or anything. More just fizzled out. There was no question that he wasn't really a Dom, not the Dom I need, at least. So i wish him all the very best.
The summer brought some interesting interactions, mostly all online as there didn't seem to be much that warranted a move into the real world. No, that's not quite true. There was one - extremely experienced, with a ton of toys and equipment, also married and looking for discretion. It seemed pretty close to 'too good to be true' again, but he had some out of town issues pop up and had to remove himself from the communication stream before I could find out. More on this later.
At a point, not sure why, but I did something unexpected - i set up an account on collarspace. The best way i can describe it is a lowbrow version of xhamster and fetlife combined. Every single time i logged on, i had messages within seconds from any number of creeps. So i didn't last too long on there, but did manage to find a few seemingly normal new friends to chat with.
One - a self-identified firefighter - seemed to be a great match and we spent about 3 weeks in intense discussions. Thing was, he turned out to be another 'disappearing Dom'...this happened directly after we'd made a date for coffee. If anyone can explain the allure of being this kind of online troll, please share. I just don't get it. In any case, another example of live and learn, i suppose.
The other was a somewhat older professional, old enough that when he gave me an email address that allowed me to easily identify him IRL, i thought it must have been by mistake. We chatted for some time, but it was strange...the more interested i got, the more arrogant he got. So that became old pretty quickly. And done.
Between these two less than perfect experiences and the feeling of being ******d every time i signed on, I rid myself of the collarspace account PDQ.
I also did something i hadn't anticipated: i met a vanilla friend for coffee and a little play. This was someone i met on fet, but without any of the kinks i am attracted to. I'd always thought that vanilla was my hard limit - just didn't feel right as it wasn't about fulfilling any lifelong needs, if that makes any sense - but as it turns out, there may just be a place for it. Sadly we never did get together - another new learning is that even within the vanilla world i simply cannot abide feeling like the aggressor - and fell out of touch. Very recently - mainly thanks to some wine i was drinking one night while tooling around online - we're back in touch, so who knows where this will go.
The final adventure came from fet, and happened a few weeks ago. This is the first experience where i can say for sure that i let myself get in over my head. It was a poly Dom with a mono sub (yes, this should have been enough to warn me away). There was great conversation and strong attraction, so we played. As it turns out, his relative inexperience - about a year - came through, and he pushed some boundaries. My relative inexperience didn't cotton on to this being a problem...until afterwards when things got a little chilly. The drama that unfolded over the next week was extreme to say the least, and i was quite happy to walk away from it. The learnings were manifold - mostly about the need for firm negotiations before any scene, and about the need to walk before running. Still no regrets, but I'll admit this one was getting close to the line.
Happily i can end on a more positive note. A nice surprise was that at the end of the summer, my friend with all the experience and all the toys resurfaced, back after dealing with the issues that took him away. As of very recently, we've had a very nice coffee. So we'll see.
So i think i`ll have to admit that this has turned into more of an exercise in journalling than a rant. At the very least, i hope that the things i`ve learned will be useful to friends. Whether playing in the D/s world or any other, i think much of it will apply. Be safe and have fun, friends. xo
11 years ago
