An unspeakable fantasy

I have always wanted to be a woman, but unfortunately in life what you want is light years away from what is then realized, for goodness sake much depends on the person but situations also arise that take you away from your dreams and to which many times you will must adapt, for many reasons. I rediscovered myself at the age of 5, when I started putting makeup on my mother's make-up, wearing her shoes in a closet and playing transformation games with my friends. Unfortunately due to a bad experience that made me realize how dangerous it was to show oneself for what one is and feels about oneself, I put aside my being a woman and I adapted to what others wanted me to be: man . Unfortunately from many points of view my life was a disaster, especially in the sentimental field because I found myself unable to satisfy a woman and when forced, out of love, I could only imagine myself as a transsexual woman who had a lesbian relationship. When I was able to have a certain independence I started to dress and wear makeup as a woman and the results satisfied me a lot, but I lived crushed by the feelings of guilt that over the years had accumulated and made my life a real agony. I don't count myself among the transvestites because I want to change my body and my appearance permanently and I want to be a woman fully not just for short distances. In my wanting woman, I am tormented by the fact that I cannot live what a girl should have experienced as a woman, living by discovering herself as such, and by creating her femininity, her social image as a woman and the thing that saddens me most and to know that even if I do the intervention for gender resignation, I will never have the gift of motherhood. I do not know why I tell you all this, it is perhaps not the most appropriate place, but it is an outlet to take it as such. One thing that has always made me perplexed is that in addition to wanting to be a woman I found myself totally submissive and eager to be a slave and to love bdsm, I don't know why this but I love imagining myself a woman and submissive, bound, gagged and subjected to various bdsm practices. I would like to be able to compare myself with people who live a reality similar to mine, so if you want to write to me. kisses, Claudia.